


Push-Ups

by EmpressCactuar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpressCactuar/pseuds/EmpressCactuar
Summary: “If I tire myself out, I’ll sleep like a log tonight. Then maybe I won’t remember why I’m upset in the morning.”Reiner died, Bertholdt lived AU
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover & Gabi Braun, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Push-Ups

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to stretch out the suggestion for this AU into a long, full-blown fic because writing in the canonverse is difficult for me.  
> Sorry...

“What are you doing there, Reiner?” Bertholdt watched his friend quizzically. They’d been on the island for about some time now, and soon they were going to be enlisting in the military in order to join the Military Police. Once they infiltrated the Military Police, they’d be able to find out the identity of the coordinate, then they’d be able to return home. 

All three of them had their bad days. And today had been a bad day for Reiner. He’d been screamed at by the noble they were clearing the land for, because Reiner had accidentally cut down and uprooted a special tree that they were supposed to leave alone. Reiner became quiet and went back to working the fields. He’d disappeared after dinner, and now Bertholdt found him… doing push-ups? 

“O-oh… hey Bertl…” Reiner stopped doing push-ups and wiped at his brow, then moved so he was sitting cross-legged on the ground. Bertholdt moved to sit next to his friend, the gentle breeze cooling them both off. “I was just working out a little.” 

“Are you preparing yourself for when we enlist in the military?” Such a strange thing to be concerned about, being physically fit enough. The three of them… they were trained soldiers. Whatever this primitive little island’s military was couldn’t measure up to the training they endured in Marley. 

Reiner was quiet for a moment, then shook his head. “No. I’m not worried about that at all. I… I’m a warrior, Bertl. I can do it. It’s just…” Reiner trailed off for a moment, then glanced at Bertholdt. “Will you promise not to laugh at me if I tell you the real reason why I was doing push-ups?” 

“I promise, Reiner.” Reiner laid back into the soft grass and closed his eyes, soaking up the cooling feeling of the wind on his skin. The sun was going down now, painting the sky into a beautiful smattering of pink, purple, and orange. Reiner sighed, then spoke. 

“I’m feeling a little bit down, Bertholdt. Actually, I’ve… I’ve been feeling really, really sad lately. But I don’t want to talk about it. If I do, Annie will just bite my head off about how all three of us are struggling. I feel so selfish right now even talking to you.” Bertholdt was quiet while he listened, nodding his head. 

“So that’s why you’re doing push-ups?” 

“If I tire myself out, I’ll sleep like a log tonight. Then maybe I won’t remember why I’m upset in the morning.” Reiner brought his hands up to his face and covered it up. “I know that sounds stupid…” 

“It’s not stupid at all, Reiner. If that helps you feel better, it helps. Actually, I think that sounds like a really good idea. Would you mind if I did some push-ups with you?” Reiner took his hands away from his face and looked over at Bertholdt, his face bearing a shy expression. 

“Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks, Bertholdt.” 

Both of them got into position to do push-ups, the two of them grunting while they exercised. They did pushups until it felt like they couldn’t anymore, the two of them holding one another when they were done because they weren’t sure they could hold themselves up. 

“Reiner?” A very soft whisper escaped Bertholdt’s lips. They’d laid down to rest just a few minutes prior. Reiner’s weary eyes slid open and looked at him, blinking tiredly. Bertholdt nervously reached a hand out and put it on Reiner’s shoulder. “I… I just wanted to let you know, it’s okay to talk to me. I know you feel selfish. But we can talk. Or do push-ups. Or both.” 

Reiner cracked an exhausted smile and closed his eyes back again. “Thank you, Bertholdt. I appreciate it. And you.” 

  


Bertholdt’s eyes blinked open, his entire body completely wracked with pain. His headache was absolutely splitting, and part of him wanted to be killed just so he wouldn’t be in so much searing, absolutely unbearable pain. His head felt unbearably heavy while he looked to his side. 

Oh… his arms were gone. His legs were gone… Where was he? Zeke was there, and he was on something…? The cart titan? Oh, that’s right, Pieck was their lookout. She was running. Bertholdt couldn’t find the strength to keep his eyes open, his eyes falling shut again. 

“…holdt… Ber… Bertholdt… Bertholdt…? Bertholdt?” His eyes opened again, Bertholdt being greeted with the sight of Zeke and Pieck staring at him. Pieck’s face held an expression of concern, her reaching out and running a hand through his hair. Where was he? The bed he was in was comfortable. He reached a hand up and wiped at his face. 

Oh? He had arms and legs again. Did Zeke save him? The last thing he could remember was Eren cutting him out of the nape of his titan… 

“Where are we?” Bertholdt got out, leaning up in his bed and wiping at his eyes. He glanced around. He was obviously in a small room, with a desk and a few books. Zeke was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and his gaze set onto some unknown point on the floor. Pieck was sitting on the chair next to the bed, her leaning forward to stroke his hair. 

She always was the mom friend. 

“We’re on a ship back to Marley.” Pieck explained, glancing back at Zeke before turning her attention back to Bertholdt. “We should be back sometime tomorrow.” 

“What happened?” The next logical question. Bertholdt accepted a glass of water Pieck grabbed off his desk and offered him. The water made him feel so much better. 

“We were defeated. We had to retreat.” Zeke said bluntly, without emotion. Bertholdt frowned at his words and looked around the room. A small quarter on a ship. He’d been in rooms like this before. Countless times. “They’re going to be furious when we return.” 

“Where’s Reiner? I need to make sure he’s okay… he was so nervous before everything started…” Pieck’s mouth set into a very hard line, her looking back at Zeke. Zeke didn’t seem to show any real emotion, instead only shaking his head. Bertholdt felt anxiety start to coil within his belly at the lack of response. “Where’s Reiner? Pieck? Zeke?” 

“We had to leave without Reiner. He isn’t here.” Bertholdt’s eyes immediately widened as much as they could, his expression alarmed. He tried to sit up, but found himself exhausted from the sudden movement. “Don’t overexert yourself. They got you good back there. All four limbs.” 

“What the hell do you mean he isn’t here?!” Bertholdt barked, startling Pieck. Bertholdt had such a meek demeanor. Even before the battle at that town… Shinganshina, was it? Bertholdt had a quiet demeanor compared to Reiner. Same as always, underneath those layers of trauma that were clearly weighing on both of them. “We have to go back for him!” 

“How? We can’t justify going back. Our order was to retrieve you, Reiner, and Annie. Pieck and I are going to get ripped apart for only coming back with you as it is.” That man… Levi, the one he was warned about. Zeke was truthfully afraid to try and retrieve them now. “Look. The only ones who should know about how titans are inherited would be the royal family. You said it yourself: they’re holding Annie prisoner. Reiner is probably wherever they put Annie.” 

“But… I can’t just leave Reiner behind. If they were just holding him, that’d be one thing. But you don’t _know them_ like I do. The coordinate, Eren… surely Reiner is being tortured as we speak! Eren is a bloodthirsty monster when he becomes set on revenge! And there’s nobody he’d want revenge on more than Reiner!” 

“Bertholdt. Stand down. There’s nothing we can do. We were defeated. They won. And we had to retreat without Reiner.” Zeke’s tone became stern, and Bertholdt knew he was speaking as a superior giving an order. Bertholdt’s mouth closed, him swallowing. Zeke left the room, closing the door behind him. Pieck sighed and shook her head, putting a hand on Bertholdt’s thigh. 

“Bertholdt… I’m sorry. We tried to save Reiner. But that boy, Eren? The coordinate? They had Reiner cut up and with a sword to his throat. Before we could try and do anything, that man appeared atop the wall. The one you and Reiner warned us about. Captain Levi. He defeated Zeke and was coming for us. We didn’t stand a chance, you know my titan can’t fight.” 

“Pieck. I love him. I can’t…” Bertholdt swallowed and brought a hand to his face, choking back tears. “I know Zeke thinks they’ll hold Reiner prisoner. But I _know_ Eren. I spent years training alongside him. And the rest of the Survey Corps. They’ll hang him for his crimes against them.” 

A horrifying thought crossed Bertholdt’s mind, him bringing his hands up to his head. “No… knowing them, they’ll feed him to a mindless titan as punishment for all the people who were eaten because of him. Reiner… Reiner might not even be the armored titan anymore. If they passed the armored to some random person because they wanted poetic justice, I… I…” Bertholdt broke down and sobbed into his hands, then stood up and ran to the back of the boat. He was shirtless and barefoot, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. 

“Bertholdt! Wait!” Pieck ran after Bertholdt, finding him on his knees and sobbing whenever she caught up to him. His arms were reaching out in the direction of Paradis, like he desperately wanted to go back. 

“Reiner! Reiiineeeerrr!!” 

Pieck put her hands on Bertholdt’s shoulders. They’d be home soon enough. 

  


A world without Reiner… Bertholdt never thought he’d have to face that reality. After all the time they’d spent together, after all the post-coital promises to spend their whole short lives together, after all Reiner’s promises that they’d go back to their hometown together… being home just felt hollow. 

Reiner’s mother had broken down when Bertholdt was the only one who’d come back. A young girl with black hair looked so sad… who had she been? Ymir had been brought back and Porco had already inherited, so Marcel’s family already knew. Annie’s father just left without a word. His own father had been the only one who’d been happy. 

His dad was dead now. Now he was alone. Such is life, Bertholdt supposed. You’re born, you live, and you die. 

Bertholdt didn’t feel much love anymore. He didn’t deserve it anyways. Maybe he was just too tenderhearted on that damned island. He let himself get too close to those devils that stole his Reiner away. And Annie… god help her, wherever she was. If all three of them hadn’t let themselves get close to _anyone…_ would Annie and Reiner be here with him? 

There wasn’t a point in loving anymore anyways. He only had two years left. Pieck had a conversation with him once a couple of years ago. She said he’d been hardening his heart too much. That he should enjoy the rest of his life. 

He’d shut that whole conversation down when she’d said Reiner would’ve wanted him to be happy. How could she act like she’d known what Reiner would have wanted? It had been him and Reiner against the world, together… That was easy for her to say, having stayed comfortably in Marley all that time. 

Every day was mostly the same. He’d get up. Do whatever trite bullshit Marley wanted him to do. He’d go home and do his exercises. Sometimes squats, sometimes pull-ups, but usually push-ups. As long as he pushed himself to exhaustion it was fine. He’d drink himself into a dreamless sleep, then wake up and do it again. 

If he wanted to get off there were discreet encounters he’d solicit at bars. He’d wear his dad’s old white armband. The men he’d hire, they always looked the same. Built, blonde hair. He’d take them from behind so he wouldn’t have to look at their face. It made it easier to pretend. 

Bertholdt smoked his cigarette and leaned over the balcony, watching the warrior candidates train. He didn’t really care much about them. They were like cattle being led to the slaughter. Just like him. How many warriors had died? Marcel died. Ymir inherited Marcel’s titan, and now she was dead. Reiner had to be dead. Annie would probably be better off if she were dead. 

Well… there was one of them he cared about. There was only one person in this whole, miserable world he cared about anymore. After the cadets finished training, Bertholdt crossed his arms and waited for his favorite warrior candidate to make an appearance. 

“Bertholdt!” Gabi shouted, barreling towards him. Bertholdt smiled and brought a hand down, ruffling her hair. Gabi gave him a toothy smile and stared up at him. “Did you see how good I’ve gotten with the rifle? I want to be as good a shot as you one day.” 

“I certainly did, little Braun. You’re getting better every time I see you shoot. I’m proud of you. Keep it up and you’ll surpass me.” He hardly remembered the other warrior candidate’s names. He should probably care more. After all, one of them was going to eat him in two years and become the next colossal titan. 

But Gabi, or little Braun as he liked to affectionately call her, was different. She wasn’t just another warrior candidate. She was Reiner’s cousin. His Reiner’s little cousin. And little Braun… she reminded him of Reiner at times. The way she ate, the way she smiled, the way she stuck her tongue out a little whenever she was focused on something. Bertholdt had told her years ago that her cousin dedicated his whole entire life to Marley. That he died a hero, to protect her and everyone else he loved. 

Was it a lie? …No. Reiner fought because he wanted to save the world. Someone like Eren, the coordinate? Reiner fought and died. Because he didn’t want someone like Eren to destroy the world. Bertholdt loved little Braun. He’d loved Reiner with his entire heart and soul, but Reiner was gone. Little Braun was here. Gabi liked the nickname, and she’d smile every time Bertholdt called her by the name. If Reiner wasn’t here for Gabi, if those island devils stole him away… he’d take care of her instead. 

How cute it’d have been. Reiner would’ve definitely kissed Gabi’s cheeks when he got back to Marley. He talked about missing his baby cousin growing up. 

“Let’s go get some ice cream, little Braun.” Bertholdt effortlessly picked up Gabi and hoisted her onto his shoulders. She was so light, she might as well have been a feather. Gabi laughed and felt a little silly. She was twelve, but Bertholdt still put her on his shoulders. She had to be over nine feet in the air, and it was fun looking down at everyone looking up at her. “My treat for my favorite girl.” 

“You’re so strong, Bertholdt! How’d you get so strong? My dad isn’t able to pick me up like that anymore. He hasn’t been able to in a long time, actually.” Gabi rested her elbows on top of Bertholdt’s head. He smiled a relaxed smile and kept on walking. 

“I do lots and lots of push-ups. Every single day before I get ready for bed. Sometimes I run and do pull-ups, too.” Whenever they got close to the edge of the internment zone, Bertholdt put Gabi back down next to him and approached the guards. He presented a letter he’d been furnished, permitting him to leave beyond the fence. 

“And where’s the colossal taking Marley’s next colossal?” Gabi gave a wide smile at the guard’s words, feeling her heart swell with pride. Yeah… she was going to be the next colossal, wasn’t she? Bertholdt ruffled her hair again. 

“I’m taking little Braun to get some ice cream. We’ll be back in the internment zone very shortly.” The guards nodded the two of them along. Bertholdt held onto her hand like a parent would a child, but Gabi didn’t protest. Truthfully, part of her got nervous outside the internment zone. 

Bertholdt sighed when he made it back to his home. It was so empty since his father died. He kicked off his shoes and took off his uniform, stripping down to just some loose pants. There was a space cleared off onto the floor for him to exercise. 

He was praised by Magath and the military for staying in such good shape. Bertholdt shook his head and sighed, grabbing a framed picture he kept on his mantle. 

Reiner and him posing with their new red armbands. It was taken about three days after they’d inherited. Reiner in particular looked over the moon. He was so undeniably happy, while Bertholdt’s own smile was more shy. 

“Oh, Reiner…” There were no pictures of the handsome man he loved with all his heart. There were no photographs on Paradis. And getting a portrait drawn… it never seemed important when they were sure they’d be returning to Marley. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve done more.” 

The photograph didn’t respond. Why would it? It was just an old picture. Reiner’s eyes were shining with glee. Even though he’d had a thirteen-year timer set, Reiner didn’t care. The light in Reiner’s eyes in the photograph… Reiner would’ve been breathtaking if he had that light in adulthood. That light died on Paradis. 

Gabi had that light in her eyes. He didn’t want it to go out. But he loved little Braun so much and he wanted her to succeed. 

“I’m sorry, Reiner. I love you so much. I always will.” Bertholdt shook his head and put the picture back. 

He got down onto the ground and started his push-ups. He kept doing push-ups, over and over again until his body was at its limit. Bertholdt stood up again and did squats until his legs screamed in pain. Finally, he went to the shower and washed the sweat off his body. 

The alcohol burned going down. But it made him feel numb. And feeling nothing was so much better than feeling miserable. 

His muscles were in agony when he laid down, but he’d be fine in the morning. Bertholdt squeezed his eyes shut, ready to collapse. 

He was in such terrible pain. But surely he deserved it. 

  


“Did you have sweet dreams last night, Bertholdt?” Gabi asked, chirping happily while she held Bertholdt’s hand. There was a festival in town, and Willy Tybur was going to be presenting a new play. Bertholdt had gotten her a nice kebab, and some pizza, and some cotton candy, and some ice cream… 

“I don’t really dream much, little Braun.” Bertholdt said plainly. He was carrying Gabi princess-style. She’d been whining that her belly hurt, but she’d been eating so much festival food. He’d chided her for being a glutton, but he deserved some of the blame there. She never could’ve eaten as much as she did without him paying for it. “Is your tummy starting to settle a little?” 

They probably looked silly. Gabi was twelve, far too old to be carried the way he was holding her. But it didn’t matter. 

“Why don’t you dream, Bertholdt?” Gabi asked, rubbing her belly. “And yeah. My belly hurts a little less. I guess I ate too much, hehe…” 

“My dreams aren’t happy. So I try to forget them.” The last dream he’d had was when he’d returned from the battle at Fort Slava. An anti-titan shell took out his leg and made him collapse under his own weight. Then he was tormented in his dreams by the image of Reiner sitting there, decapitated by those horrible island monsters. The last time he saw his Reiner, he didn’t even have a fucking head. 

“Well… try to dream about me, then. Me and you. That’ll be a nice dream!” Gabi chirped, Bertholdt shaking his head while he carried her. A small smile graced his features. 

“I’ll try, little Braun. I promise.” The thought of dreaming about Gabi… Bertholdt didn’t want to entertain it. He probably wouldn’t dream about her and him petting kittens and puppies and frolicking in a meadow. He’d dream about failing to save her the way he failed to save Reiner. 

  


“Hey, Bertholdt…” Porco’s voice sounded muddled. Bertholdt’s eyes opened, but everything seemed foggy. His head hurt. Where was his shirt? Where was he? Everything seemed too out-of-focus. “Bertholdt. Are you okay?” 

“You took a beating. Your titan only formed halfway… You managed to save Porco. Thank you. Really, thank you…” 

“I can’t believe Zeke betrayed us. Did all those years with us mean nothing?!” Porco snapped, crossing his arms. “Marley has lost the Warhammer titan… stolen away by that monster Eren Jaeger. They attacked Liberio, killed so many civilians. Udo and Zofia…” 

Bertholdt chewed his lip. Porco was close to the warrior candidates. Himself, he only loved Gabi. Porco loved all four of them. Uncle Galliard, they’d called him. 

A tense silence hung in the air. Pieck moved to sit next to Bertholdt on the bed, then put a hand on his shoulder. She rubbed the skin, then squeezed. “Bertholdt… do you remember?” 

“Remember what?” Pieck looked sadly at the ground. He’d know if he did. 

“The ones who attacked us, the ones with Eren Jaeger… they had the power of the armored titan. It… it wasn’t Reiner’s armored. I’m sorry.” Pieck blinked back some tears, Bertholdt’s body stiffening. She pulled him into a hug and cried quietly against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Bertholdt. He’s gone.” 

“Those monsters stole away Reiner’s power and his life. They have to pay.” Porco growled. Bertholdt breathed in heavily. He’s known. He’d known for four years. So why did he feel so much pain stabbing in his heart? Why did he want to collapse and sob? They hadn’t told him anything new… 

Maybe, deep within himself, he’d hoped Reiner was okay. Sealed up inside a crystal as a last resort? 

“Where… where is little Braun?” Porco and Pieck met his eyes, then looked back at the ground. Porco breathed in and ran a hand through his hair. Little Braun… she was all he had left of Reiner. But even more than that, she was the only thing left in this world he loved. 

“Gabi and Falco are missing. We haven’t been able to find any bodies. They went missing around the same time Zeke went missing.” Bertholdt growled and stood up quickly. He shot a murderous look at Pieck, then Porco. Quickly, he dressed himself and got himself in order. 

“I won’t let them take anyone else away. We have to strike back as soon as possible. I know Eren Jaeger. If we don’t stop him… there’s no telling what he might do.” Pieck and Porco nodded, and stood up behind him. “We have to stop them. And get the real traitor.” 

“We’re with you, Bertholdt. As soon as Magath comes back, we need to talk to him. He’s the only person in the military who will listen to us. They listened to Zeke and he betrayed us… but Magath will believe in us.” Pieck shook her head. Zeke, a traitor? It was unthinkable, and yet… 

“Yes. Let’s end all of this. For Marley, for Marcel. …For Udo and Zofia…” Porco paused and ran a hand down his face, blinking back a couple of tears. 

“For Reiner. We have to end this.” He didn’t have time for push-ups right now, despite how upset he was. Little Braun needed him. 

  


“Come on, Bertl.” Reiner said, leading him through thick brush. They climbed rocks, and navigated through the foliage. Bertholdt knew they were going somewhere they weren’t supposed to whenever Reiner slipped easily through the barbed-wire fence around the perimeter of the cadet corps’ barracks. 

“Where are you taking me? We could get in so much trouble out here, sneaking out and off barrack grounds like this…” If they were in Marley the punishment would be much more severe. Maybe that’s why Reiner didn’t mind. 

So much time had passed. They were fifteen and sixteen now. In another year they’d graduate and be on their way to the Military Police. Then finally, finally they’d get to go home together. Live out the rest of their short lives together. There had been good times the past couple of years… but they didn’t matter. Home mattered. 

“I wanted to come to the lake with you. I found another route that gives us a different view. Nobody knows about it. So it can be our special place. You know, Eren and Armin wound up squealing about our old special place. I’ve spent some time trying to find somewhere new.” 

“You wanted a new place this much?” How many times would Reiner have had to have come out to find a new special place? The route to the lake this way was much more rough and obscure. Reiner nodded and gave him a smile. 

“Of course. I miss having a place where you and I can just be alone together. The old spot was so beautiful… but this one is too. I want you to just stay with me.” Reiner grunted when they climbed the last steep incline, leveling out into a small open space. Bertholdt looked around whenever they made it to the top. 

Reiner was right. It was absolutely beautiful. The moon hung in the sky, sparkling over the lake. There was more grass here, more flowers delicately blowing in the soft breeze. They could see their old special place if they looked to their left and up. “It’s beautiful here, Reiner.” 

Reiner sat down and pat the ground next to him. Bertholdt sat next to Reiner, closing his eyes when Reiner pulled him into an embrace. “I love you, Bertholdt. My Bertl. You like it?” 

“Yes. I love it. I love you too, Reiner.” When did their relationship progress beyond friendship? Neither of them were even sure anymore. Maybe they weren’t supposed to know. The progression had been so natural. 

“When we go back to Marley, I’ll make this all up to you. I promise.” Reiner mumbled quietly, nuzzling into Bertholdt’s chest. “I’m so sorry, getting you and Annie wrapped up in all of this.” Bertholdt shook his head and stroked Reiner’s hair. 

“Reiner… this isn’t all your fault. Some of it is. Some of it is my fault. Some of it is Annie’s fault. Even Magath and Marcel. What’s important now is just making it home. Together.” Reiner was quiet for a moment, then snuggled more into Bertholdt, like he wanted to be as close as possible. 

“Oh, Bertholdt. My sweet, caring Bertholdt. You have a heart of gold. When we get back to Marley, I’m going to marry you.” Bertholdt stuttered and blushed, but Reiner pulled away and gave him that confident smile that Bertholdt loved so much. Reiner kissed Bertholdt, tenderly running a hand down his face. 

“A-aren’t we a little young to be getting married, Reiner?” Reiner shrugged and kissed Bertholdt’s neck. He sucked the skin delicately, then kissed. 

“Yeah. But weren’t we a little young to be given thirteen-year lifespans?” Reiner had him beat there. He was absolutely, positively correct. The warriors they’d inherited from were in their thirties for the most part. Hell, the cart and the beast were over forty. They’d be twenty-two and twenty-three when their time was up. “We have to make the most of the time we have.” 

“Mmm, Reiner…” Bertholdt felt electricity running through his veins because Reiner kept caressing his face and kissing his neck. “I’ll marry you… before we die, I promise.” 

“Let’s make love, Bertl. Out here, alone. Away from everyone. Just me and you. No Marley, no Shadis, no Annie. Just you with me. And me with you.” Bertholdt sighed and let Reiner push him to the ground. Fifteen and sixteen. Adult enough to join the military and sacrifice their lives. Surely they were adult enough for sex. Bertholdt closed his eyes and nodded. They’d fooled around. Gone just short of sex. He breathed deeply and saw Reiner’s eyes watching him. 

“Oh, Bertholdt. My Bertholdt.” Reiner kissed his cheeks, then kissed his nose. 

“Reiner…” More tender kisses to his mouth, his neck, his cheeks, his nose.” 

“Bertholdt. I love you. I love you so much.” 

“I love you too. Always.” 

Bertholdt felt his heart fluttering, especially when Reiner put both his hands on either cheek and stroked his cheekbones with his thumbs. Reiner gave him a smile so full of love Bertholdt was sure his heart would explode. He started to lean forward, Bertholdt closing his eyes and waiting for the tender peck… 

_Whack!_

Pain seared through Bertholdt’s face, his head being knocked back by the force. His eyes squeezed shut at the pain, him feeling some blood dripping from his nose. Bertholdt opened his eyes and saw Falco and Gabi right by his head. 

…Annie? She was staring at him, and she had a little bit of blood on her boot. Was she the one who kicked him? Was that Armin? Mikasa? Connie? 

What the hell? Bertholdt wanted to panic. Eren’s words echoed through his mind. He was going to exterminate all life? Bertholdt didn’t give a flying fuck about the world, let it burn. Everything he’d ever cared about was already taken away. He didn’t have much to live for anyways. 

But he had to save little Braun. He reached forward and grabbed her, her squeaking in surprise when he held her against his chest. “Gabi! Stay away from them!” Bertholdt got out, his voice ragged. 

“It’s time to save the world, Bertholdt.” Connie said, looking down at him. Bertholdt scowled and held Gabi closer to his chest. 

“It’s true, Bertholdt… we have to stop Eren.” Gabi mumbled. Bertholdt looked down at the precious girl in his arms. His little Braun. 

…For her, he would work with them. But only to save Gabi. And, to a lesser extent, Pieck and Annie. Fuck the former comrades watching him. They didn’t matter. 

It was late now, all of them resting while they prepared to keep moving towards the Jaegerists. Bertholdt stared quietly into the bowl of stew in front of him. He took a few bites, but he had too much on his mind to truly be hungry. 

Armin stood up to refill his empty bowl of stew, but accidentally tripped and dropped his bowl. Armin yelped and stuck his arms out, tumbling into Bertholdt. 

  


_An orange sky greeted him when his eyes opened. …Where was he? A look to the left, the sound of a low roar sounding through the air. His eyes widened in horror, a gasp sounding through the air._

_A titan’s hand?! His head shook violently. “No! Nooo!" His vision fixed on the titan in front of him, but no amount of squirming would free him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his old friends watching him. “Guys! Help me! Please, help me!” His voice called out desperately. All of them looked on wordlessly._

_More squirming, more screams of terror. “Zeke! Pieck! …Bertholdt! Beerrrtholllldt!” He was brought into the titan’s mouth, his last sight facing forward. His vision became blurry from the tears in his eyes._

  


Bertholdt gasped heavily and immediately shoved Armin off of him, Armin’s expression having turned to one of abject horror. “You! You’re the one that ate Reiner?!” Bertholdt barked, piercing the still air. Armin looked up at him, his friends putting down their bowls. “ _You’re_ the armored titan?!” 

“Bertholdt…” Armin didn’t say much, but moved to sit on his knees. Armin remembered those kind, meek eyes from training. But that wasn’t what he saw. Instead, they were murderous. Far more so than in Shinganshina. 

“You took him away from me!” Bertholdt brought a leg up and kicked Armin in the face, knocking him prone. His eyes turned to Jean and Connie. “You watched! You murderers!” 

“How can _you_ of all people call _us_ murderers!?” Jean barked, him standing to challenge Bertholdt. Bertholdt’s fists balled, Jean backing up when Bertholdt started to approach him. “You and Reiner are the ones who killed hundreds of thousands of people! And you’re calling us murderers?” 

“Your precious Eren is going to kill everyone on this planet! _Billions_ of innocent lives! This could’ve been prevented!” Bertholdt turned back around and glared at Armin. “You don’t deserve the power of the armored titan! You could never even hope to be a quarter of the armored that Reiner was!” Bertholdt reared back and punched Armin again. 

“Bertholdt! Stop it! Please!” Gabi cried, moving to step in between Armin and Bertholdt. “Beating Armin won’t bring him back…” Tears poured down her face, her shaking her head. “I wanted to kill the devil who took away my cousin… but killing Armin won’t do anything for us now…” Gabi sniffled and hugged Bertholdt’s torso. “I just want to go home, I want my mommy and daddy, and Auntie Karina…” 

“Little Braun…” Bertholdt breathed heavily and ran a hand along her cheek. “Gabi…” 

“Reiner is gone, Bertholdt. It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong anymore. Eren doesn’t care about that. I just want this to all be over so I can go home. I miss Reiner, too.” Bertholdt breathed in shakily and felt his eyes starting to hurt, the sensation of tears pricking the corners of his eyes making him wipe his face. Everyone was looking on wordlessly, while Armin steamed on the ground next to him. 

“Little Braun. For you… I’ll stop.” Bertholdt stood and leaned down to hug Gabi. He turned around to look at his former comrades. “Let me make one thing clear. I’ll kill Eren. To save little Braun I’ll do it. If I live through all of this… I never want to see any of you again.” 

“You can’t kill Eren!” Mikasa interjected. Annie rolled her eyes and stood. 

“What other ideas did you have, then?” Annie asked. Bertholdt shook his head and walked away. Nobody made a move to stop him while he walked until he was alone in the woods. He ran a hand through his hair, then shook his head. 

He got on the ground and started doing push-ups. 

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't my best work, but I hope you liked it! I always imagined if Bertholdt lived and Reiner died, Bertholdt would harden his heart and freeze everyone else out. He wouldn't care about much of anything, much less the world. He doesn't have much drive to save the world here because he believes it is cruel and he doesn't care about it.
> 
> But he does care about little Braun.  
>  ~~I almost made Bertholdt's nickname for Gabi his brownie~~


End file.
